The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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