oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
