i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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