Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
