Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
