the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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