guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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