I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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