Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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