who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
