hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
