the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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