Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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