The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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