it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
He has the fingertips of a God
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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