When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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