i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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