You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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