Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
