i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
