I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
