But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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