Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
