no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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