I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
