WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
