Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Randomize
