my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
