She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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