enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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