do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
how does that bad decision feel?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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