Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
They took my balls.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
