If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
fuck your aforementioned shoe
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
