I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
