while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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