Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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