This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
