so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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