bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
