i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
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