I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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