he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
