The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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