ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
