is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
