Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
