i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
