yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
