Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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