Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
