Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
