one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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