I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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